The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
