sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just found a bag of teeth...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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