I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
