he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
