how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I fill condoms, not promises.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
