this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
