Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize