So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
