Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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