How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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