we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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