Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
