New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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