I'm jealous of your bromance
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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