im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
