Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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