she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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