i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
