I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
