Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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