Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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