JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
