Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
