I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
