I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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