Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
