oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
