Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
