I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
