I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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