also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
