I'm so fucking centered right now
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
