My pussy is not your playground.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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