You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
