my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
