Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
