If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
