i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
