evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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