Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
