I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
