Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
