rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
