I can tuck mytits in my pants
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
