Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
