Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
