How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
