Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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