I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
