how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
