Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Congratulations! We have a period
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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