don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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