there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
