This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize