I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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