New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
a search helicopter?!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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