I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
