I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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