Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
