i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
