you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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