Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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