This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
