Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
